I miss people still who are no longer part of my life. I won’t mention them all (especially the most obvious one, the one I miss most of all) but, for example, I was out with a friend today and we were talking about Alexandra Palace. It is a place that holds so many good memories for me. I went for my first date with EW there. For all the heartache and conflict that came after,  that was a day that was lovely, relaxed, loving. It wasn’t the only one we had. I will always treasure walking on that sunny day between the trees, full of optimism, enjoying each other’s company. 

Friends and lovers and family have arrived and disappeared. 

Family holidays. Visiting a steam train. Floating  in the sea. Watching laughing and smiling as the ten year old is both excited by and nervous about the fish who want to nibble the dead skin from his toes. Cuddling in bed. The jokes. The understanding. So many memories that will always be a part of me, good and bad. Real. Whatever has happened with others, whatever they have done to me or whatever  they think of me now, genuine moments, moments of delight, intimacy,  and warmth shared with other humans. I wouldn’t want to lose access to them.  Those people I have had those connections with I could never stop caring about them, beyond any anger and arguments, flaws and all. And I wouldn’t want to.