By Miles O’Hairspray

​I miss the good old days. The glory of the sea, when men were fish and women were lady fish. Not Angler Fish. The female is a huge predator and the male is a tiny parasite whose testicles are absorbed into her body as he becomes a lifelong sperm factory. She can accommodate several males in this way, in ostentatious mockery of the sanctity of Western marriage.

Not Sea Horses either. Manly, normal fish, like Bass and Trout and the magnificent Salmon. I regularly swim several feet the wrong way up the white water rapids in Lea Valley, because that is what women want. Stamina. Admittedly, I don’t literally do this, but if you have ever been forced to send thousands of online messages complimenting a woman on her breasts before one bites, you’ll understand  the principle remains intact. 

Peter Rabbit

Men these days are expected to be completely unnatural. When we lived in caves, all a man had to do was catch bison with his teeth, ignore the kids, and complement the women folk on their crocheted Peter Rabbit nose warmers. I for one am sick of pretending I care about crocheted Peter Rabbit nose warmers. How did I end up with this simpering doormat? I’m expected to show an interest in Sebastian’s awful finger paintings too. What happened to real women who would agree to leave their kids in the forest to fend for themselves in true Spartan fashion?

It was much simpler when I was head boy at St Edna’s*. The women would cook all our meals and no-one told us we couldn’t play rugby. In fact, we weren’t allowed not to. I was not the biggest child, but thanks to boys being allowed to be boys, I spent many happy hours in the infirmary as Nurse Lovett, a female doing natural female work, read me Enid Blyton stories. 

My mother only let me read those silly stories of animals in waistcoats until I was eleven. Then she gave my entire collection to a charity shop in the village. It was time to be a man. 

All of this serves to illustrate my central point. Women are whores who should never be in any position of authority. 

*Miles was never head boy at his boarding school – Ed.

Advertisements