It’s no secret the UK is looking to expand trade with markets beyond Europe. Today, the PM welcomed media reports of the discovery of 234 alien civilisations, and was keen to talk up the merits of Digestive Biscuits and Cheddar. 

“Civil servants have drawn up a list of British goods the aliens will want to import.” Mrs May announced at a hastily arranged press conference. 

ET the alien with glowing finger
Brexit… Ouch! (

In addition to our biscuits and cheese, it is believed the aliens will be lacking in anything resembling Viz and Fox’s Glacier Mints. 

The greatest barriers to trade are the long distances to the stars and the high prior probability of a natural explanation for the signals. 

Alien grey
“Rumours of my existence have been greatly exaggerated” (image: LeCire)

Theresa May dismissed the distance problem as “a technicality. We can sort that out by sending them some of our faster than light neutrinos.” 

A senior government source revealed there is nonetheless more optimism in the cabinet regarding these new opportunities than there is for negotiations with the EU.