If you feel patronised by any of the following, brilliant. You know how to deal with stress to reach equanimity and to use compassion to alleviate the suffering of others in simple ways.
As a wise person might point out to you, “Ladies and Gentlemen* we are floating in space.”
If you feel SICK or NAUSEOUS or DISGUSTED at any point, this is normal. We are floating in space. Please consult a GUIDE. Please do not be alarmed but if you don’t feel you need help when you feel sick or nauseous or disgusted, this is dangerous. Poisons make us feel these things. Please see one of our guides IMMEDIATELY. Failure to do so may result in death.
If you are ANGRY or IMPATIENT or are experiencing any symptoms of HATE or RAGE, this is normal.
Please say hello to our security guard. His* name is STRESS. Please do not attempt to fight him. He is a supreme jujitsu master. STRESS WILL KILL YOU.
Do not be alarmed.
Murray died of worry. Don’t worry about Murray. This is a mantra.
Please return to your seat. Everything is fine. The wings are supposed to be on fire.
Do not attempt to pilot the spaceship. STRESS WILL KILL YOU.
What do you mean “What fucking spaceship?” We are floating in space, sir.
If you are OFFENDED, you are unwell.
Have you met our security guard? Good. You are insignificant. This is normal.
Please breathe. Deep breaths if necessary. Thank you.
That is Murray. Please don’t worry about him. STRESS etc
Breathe. Deep breaths. Relax. We have solutions.
We have a pilot. A brilliant pilot. More amazing than you can imagine. We’ve had hairy moments but they haven’t failed yet. Everything is on fire. I know. It’s supposed to be like that.
The pilot… First, breathe. Deep breaths. In. Out.
(*If you don’t feel you are a lady or a gentleman, the first thing to understand is that you are right. This is normal. It’s an ancient way of speaking to people. If you know you are right about this, please move on. We have people to help.)
ANXIETY may stop you engaging with guides. Anxiety is treatable. If you are not very anxious right now, make an appointment with your GP in your area of the spaceship.
If you are very anxious right now, and it is stopping you taking practical steps to deal with your problems, SPEAK to someone you know and trust. If you feel there is no-one you can trust you are in serious danger. Do not be alarmed, here is the best help you can get right now:
If you do not complete the stress check, you know what will happen? Big isn’t he? You are insignificant. You are holding up the flight. I’d rather he didn’t kill you.
The best thing about STRESS is, he doesn’t exist. Take a look. You won’t ever find him. He’s in your head. We made him up. I don’t even know what he looked like to you. Maybe tell me?
Everything is on fire. This is normal. Breathe.
Murray died of worry. Don’t worry about Murray. Murray died of worry. Don’t worry about Murray. Murray died of worry. Don’t worry about Murray.
Photo: Andy Rain